Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Hello? Where'd you go?

Hey! That motivation and focus and determination that was so so strong just a week ago?! Where did it go? Seriously...it's been a crappy like 4 days and I'm struggling to find my way back on track. Weird because I just joined a challenge too. The only thing I can blame is my own self. Old habits die hard. Stinkin' thinkin'. My son deploys today to Afghanistan and I talked to him Wednesday and Thursday...I just fell. I laid in bed Thursday night not feeling too well, and then ate mashed potatoes for dinner. huh? I also skipped the gym Thursday.
Friday brought a girls' day with my kids, and I ate fish and chips for dinner. Mind you, I didn't eat anything else the entire day (which is also bad, but at least I kept the calories within reason), but still..fish and chips people. I did manage to drag myself the the gym Friday night, but put in a half assed walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, but I get its better than nothing.
Saturday, my family and I attended the UW Women's softball game. I ate peanuts. Then we went to Dick's burgers. Yep, we sure did. It's our thing when we go to Seattle. I had eaten a granola bar and yogurt so far that day, so I indulged. I didn't mess around- a Dick's Deluxe, fries with tartar and a coke. It tasted so good, but a salty fatty caloric induced coma followed. I felt awful within 10 minutes, holding my stomach the rest of the way home. No gym, although we did walk quite a bit from the parking to the game and back.
Sunday I ate fine, within my calories and healthy, although I skipped the gym again.
Yesterday, oh yesterday. Well I woke up determined to get back on track, although you know how when you are off more than 1 meal, every meal and every day off track you start losing sight of the big picture, losing sight of your goals? It was weigh in and I was up a half a pound. Not good.
I started off good, but I was stuck home without a car all day. I might have made mac and cheese and hotdogs for my kindergartner and then proceeded to eat a big bowl of it, cursing myself the entire time. Dinner was a low calorie egg scramble and a bagel thin. Then, I wanted chocolate. I grabbed a chocolate dipped granola bar (210 calories) and then.... I dipped it in peanut butter. ACK. and washed it down with chocolate milk. *gasp*. WTF is wrong with me? I celebrated a gain on the scale with ensuring more of a gain?! Am I an idiot?!
I'm so disappointed in myself. I can think of a million things that got me headed in the wrong direction. My attempt at day 2 of week 5 of couch to 5k last Wednesday was disappointing, I couldn't finish the 2nd 8minute run. So I didn't even attempt day 3. My sadness and worry about my son. The frustration of being 7 weeks into being healthy with virtually no cheats and starting to feel deprived and wanting to just be normal. It all adds up. It adds up to 4 days of CRAP. 4 days of almost no exercise, crappy meals, not journaling, not blogging, not facing what I was doing. Sorry I was hiding from you all... I guess I was trying to ignore what I was doing. I have been feeling so phenomenal, I don't know why I would want to feel like this. :( Like I said, old habits die hard. I wish they would DIE already.
Time to put on my gym shoes and get back on track, seriously. I can't let myself down and I can't let all the people watching me down. Today is a new day!!! There is only me to hold accountable and I will do so.


  1. Feel good getting that all out? I have struggled this week too, maybe we should meet at the gym! Accountability! Well I am very proud of you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting going. It's not our failures that define us, it's what we do with them. :)

  2. Amen. :) It feels good to be back on the path, that's what feels good. Owning up to all this..not so much.lol
    Yah I'm back to going to the gym in the mornings. It's about to crazy here, birthdays up the yinyang. Lord help me!!