Hello? Where'd you go?

Hey! That motivation and focus and determination that was so so strong just a week ago?! Where did it go? Seriously...it's been a crappy like 4 days and I'm struggling to find my way back on track. Weird because I just joined a challenge too. The only thing I can blame is my own self. Old habits die hard. Stinkin' thinkin'. My son deploys today to Afghanistan and I talked to him Wednesday and Thursday...I just fell. I laid in bed Thursday night not feeling too well, and then ate mashed potatoes for dinner. huh? I also skipped the gym Thursday.

Friday brought a girls' day with my kids, and I ate fish and chips for dinner. Mind you, I didn't eat anything else the entire day (which is also bad, but at least I kept the calories within reason), but still..fish and chips people. I did manage to drag myself the the gym Friday night, but put in a half assed walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, but I get its better than nothing.

Saturday, my family and I attended the UW Women's softball game. I ate peanuts. Then we went to Dick's burgers. Yep, we sure did. It's our thing when we go to Seattle. I had eaten a granola bar and yogurt so far that day, so I indulged. I didn't mess around- a Dick's Deluxe, fries with tartar and a coke. It tasted so good, but a salty fatty caloric induced coma followed. I felt awful within 10 minutes, holding my stomach the rest of the way home. No gym, although we did walk quite a bit from the parking to the game and back.

Sunday I ate fine, within my calories and healthy, although I skipped the gym again.

Yesterday, oh yesterday. Well I woke up determined to get back on track, although you know how when you are off more than 1 meal, every meal and every day off track you start losing sight of the big picture, losing sight of your goals? It was weigh in and I was up a half a pound. Not good.

I started off good, but I was stuck home without a car all day. I might have made mac and cheese and hotdogs for my kindergartner and then proceeded to eat a big bowl of it, cursing myself the entire time. Dinner was a low calorie egg scramble and a bagel thin. Then, I wanted chocolate. I grabbed a chocolate dipped granola bar (210 calories) and then.... I dipped it in peanut butter. ACK. and washed it down with chocolate milk. *gasp*. WTF is wrong with me? I celebrated a gain on the scale with ensuring more of a gain?! Am I an idiot?!

I'm so disappointed in myself. I can think of a million things that got me headed in the wrong direction. My attempt at day 2 of week 5 of couch to 5k last Wednesday was disappointing, I couldn't finish the 2nd 8minute run. So I didn't even attempt day 3. My sadness and worry about my son. The frustration of being 7 weeks into being healthy with virtually no cheats and starting to feel deprived and wanting to just be normal. It all adds up. It adds up to 4 days of CRAP. 4 days of almost no exercise, crappy meals, not journaling, not blogging, not facing what I was doing. Sorry I was hiding from you all... I guess I was trying to ignore what I was doing. I have been feeling so phenomenal, I don't know why I would want to feel like this. :( Like I said, old habits die hard. I wish they would DIE already.

Time to put on my gym shoes and get back on track, seriously. I can't let myself down and I can't let all the people watching me down. Today is a new day!!! There is only me to hold accountable and I will do so.